The most difficult social conflict usually involves passive-aggressive PA behavior. The reason it is more distressing than even aggressive behavior is because it causes the recipient to be doubtful of him or her self. As a result, PA behavior cannot be addressed in the same way you might handle aggressive behavior. When managing PA people you need to be aware of the underlying purpose of the behavior so that you can respond in a way that prevents them from succeeding at their agenda. The less likely they are to achieve their goal, the more likely you will see a reduction in their behavior.
The less likely they are to achieve their goal, the more likely you will see a reduction in their behavior. The following rules provide some guidelines to managing PA people.
Aggressive people often uses anger, aggressive body language other threatening behavior to bully, subjugate and dominate other people. They will use punishing language to infer guilt and create shame. The will use overt techniques of conversion to create unquestioning compliance. Example. You're so stupid. Just do as I say and don't ask questions. Jul 27, 18 Tips for a Better Orgasm. 19 Cute Gift Ideas for Couples in a LDR. Why It Can Be Healthy to Fight With Your Partner. The Best Friends Having Babies Together. Fun, Low-Key Ideas for a Author: Rich Santos.
As you read these rules it may seem impossible to develop an appropriate response on the spur of the moment when confronted with PA behavior because there are so many things to consider. However, much of the time certain people in your life probably engage in repeated PA behavior which gives you the opportunity to prepare in advance.
Once you have practiced the skills in predictable situations, you will be better able to manage the less predictable ones. The first step when confronted with PA behavior is to determine whether it is malicious or self-protective or unintentional. By knowing the type of PA behavior, you will be able to develop a better response to help you achieve your goal.
Unintentional PA behavior is the easiest to handle because you can just ignore the behavior if it is not that important. Or, if it is bothersome, you can let the other person know how you feel.
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When the PA behavior is unintentional, directly expressing yourself is more likely to result in a behavior change than when the behavior is self-protective or malicious.
For example, a person slams a door when angry. If this behavior is unintentional and you express how you feel, the person might change their behavior.
Self-protective PA behavior may or may not be changeable based on the person's need for the protection and their level of denial.
People have a variety of needs for protection such as protecting their self-concept or protecting their job or protecting their personal interests. For instance, a person who wants to believe they are acting in your best interest, when instead, they are being hurtful may be protecting their self-image.
Directly confronting them is likely to cause them to blame you and not obtain the result you want:. A malicious person doesn't care about you and only desires to hurt you in such a way so as to avoid any responsibility for their behavior. In other words, they want to look blameless while driving the knife into your gut. With such people any response can potentially escalate the situation in their favor. Your response needs to be well thought out and should be based upon how they affect your life.
For instance, if it is a malicious co-worker, your response may need to be focused on how others perceive the situation and damage control. Yet, you need to consider your response carefully to prevent the malicious person from turning co-workers or managers against you.
If your response escalates the situation, you may look like the bad guy and be the recipient of negative consequences rather than the malicious aggressor. Other people's behavior may not always be PA just because it feels hurtful.
Be sure to have insight into yourself and recognize when you might be over-reacting to people's comments.
Even if you are uncertain about whether you are over-reacting, the nice thing about most of the responses to PA behavior is that the responses can be framed in such a way that if the behavior is not PA, your response can still be an appropriate response. For example, someone makes a joke and you're not sure if it is just an innocent joke or whether they are laughing at you.
However, if they are joking about you, your statement would be perceived as a confrontation and the person may be less likely to the do the same again. Recognize when you may have unreasonable demands or expectations. Sometimes we may view others as PA when they don't meet our expectations. For instance, you ask your boss for some help and she assigns a co-worker who doesn't complete the work the way you would.
You need to be able to clearly define when you are being unreasonable. However, as I stated before, your response can be the same whether the person is PA or not because either way you do not want to accuse the person of deliberately doing the job wrong. If the person is PA then she could blame you, complain to the boss, and get away with not doing the work. And if she's not PA then you would look unreasonable. Could you do it this way for me?
When you are passive-aggressive. Recognize when you may be passive-aggressive because you may need to stop your PA behavior to address the other person's PA behavior. For example, if you are giving your spouse the silent treatment in reaction to PA behavior, you may need to change your response before you can request a change from your spouse.
One of the best ways to know how to respond to a PA person is to determine the reward for their behavior. In the situation with the co-worker not doing the job right, the reward to escalating conflict and your frustration is to not have to do the job at all.
There is always some sort of reward to PA behavior.
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Do they get their way? Are they able to feel better due to transferring their anger, anxiety, stress onto you? Do they get others' approval? Do they satisfy a need to be mean without having to be responsible? These are some of the rewards. Sometimes the rewards may be more tangible such as making you look bad so they can get a promotion at work. Once you determine the reward, then you are able to develop a response that is based upon not allowing the PA person to get the reward.
When you consider your response, you need to think about whether it contributes to obtaining the reward or whether it prevents the reward to the PA person. Before you respond to a person's PA behavior you need to choose the outcome that you want and to determine whether this goal is achievable. Do you want to change the person's behavior? Do you want to derail the PA behavior by stopping the person from being rewarded? Do you want to manage the fall-out and the perception of others?
In many situations your goal is to get out of their trap and to put them in a box where their only response is to stop being PA or to have to be responsible for their behavior which often stops the PA behavior. If you want to change the behavior, you also need to determine if the outcome is worth the effort.
By asking yourself these questions, you can determine what your goal is so that your response will be based upon how to achieve that goal.
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Question : My mother criticizes my year-old son about his hair, clothes, the activities he likes, you name it. He's a good kid, does well in school, and I think that he should be able to make his own choices about these things. I can see that my son is hurt by this criticism. When I try to tell my mother to stop, she and my sister say, "He's a boy and he needs to toughen up. He needs to be able to handle teasing.
You're just over-protecting him. How do I get her to stop? In this type of situation, the calm person is more likely to succeed. The passive-aggressive person wants to attribute blame and it is easiest to blame someone when they are out-of-control. You need to remain calm no matter what your goal and chosen response.
Otherwise, you will fall into the PA trap and be blamed. Obviously, many PA people are very skilled at pushing the sensitive buttons of their victim especially if they know you well.
As a result, it can be very difficult to remain calm when confronted with their PA accusations. Being around women is like being in a mine field. Anything you say is potentially and most likely the wrong thing.
Tell her you are stressed and she starts worrying you won't be able to provide, tell her you don't feel like sex and you are having an affair.
Tell her you want sex and you are a rapist.
Tell her you are tired and you are weak. The constant nagging, the constant always watching everything you say and how you say it. Why is women get to yell and scream and that is just frustration? I don't like being yelled and screamed at thank you. Oh that is a problem too.
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I think you are mistaking the way guys are with passive aggressiveness. Guys are not girls Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. HubPages and Hubbers authors may earn revenue on this page based on affiliate relationships and advertisements with partners including Amazon, Google, and others. HubPages Inc, a part of Maven Inc. As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, pairedlife. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.
McKenna Meyers more. A Passive-Aggressive Guy Withholds Communication, Making a Woman Go Crazy If you're dating a passive-aggressive guy, ladies, don't think you have the power to change him no matter how motivated and in love you are.
He Doesn't Listen.
He Gives the Silent Treatment. He's Always Late. He Fears Open Communication.
He Procrastinates. What do you think? If you ever dated a passive-aggressive man, what was the most difficult part of it? While we women have the power to not date and marry a passive-aggressive guy, we don't have the ability to avoid them all together.
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We might have one who's a brother like I do or a boss, a co-worker, a father-in-law, or a neighbor. In this thought-provoking book, clinical psychologist, Scott Wetzler, gives invaluable advice for dealing with a passive-aggressive man when you must.
If you're like me, you'll be nodding your head in recognition and agreement on every page. If you have a friend who's dating a passive-aggressive guy, give her this book as a present.
She may not thank you at first but will be eternally grateful in the future! Buy Now. Question: Should I keep dating a guy who gives me the silent treatment?
Oct 13, The answer is often the same - you were way too aggressive on that first date. Even though she played along and looked like she was into you just as much as you were into her, she already made up her mind that you are not a prospect for a serious relationship, and you are only good to play with for a few hours on a date or in bed. 1. The right way to be aggressive is a gradual way. It's probably not a good idea to go from walking next to a girl and being a few feet away from her to sticking your tongue down her throat. There are lots of small steps in between that can and should be taken in order to create romantic tension and anticipation that both of you should enjoy. Beyond those flirting behaviors, once a man approached, women also touched in a number of ways to show interest as well. Often, they caressed an object, or the man's face, arm, leg, or back.
Answer: When making this decision, don't focus solely on that one behavior the silent treatment because that would be a huge mistake. Helpful Question: Why are no solutions offered for the "passive aggressive" person?
Answer: I can certainly offer tips for dealing with passive-aggressive relatives, co-workers, or neighbors as most of us need to do this at one time or another. Helpful 9.
Oct 12, In this thought-provoking book, clinical psychologist, Scott Wetzler, gives invaluable advice for dealing with a passive-aggressive man when you must. If you're like me, you'll be nodding your head in recognition and agreement on every page. If you have a friend who's dating a passive-aggressive guy, give her this book as a bullbreedadvisoryservice.coms: Aggressive enquiries When making inquiries or requests of others, it is best to approach them with an openness which invites them to offer their view. Aggressive people use their aggressive behaviour to close off that avenue before the other person gets a chance to respond. Aug 08, Aggressive behavior during dating or sex is dangerous. The prospect that someone might like it is not worth risking the chance that they won't - which would be sexual violence.
Good read. Just go away and have a good hard look at yourselves before you start casting stones. Sign In Join.
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Google provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. Just do as I say and don't ask questions. Are you arguing with me!! How dare you!!! Was that you? You know you shouldn't have done that. Discussion The core assumption of aggressive behavior is that the aggressor is superior to others in some way, and hence that other people have lesser rights and less valid truths than you.
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